Sunday, November 19, 2006
Had a tough couple of days after the girls went back and drank on Monday and Tuesday nights - not particularly heavily but shouldn't do it and it doesn't solve anything. I still cannot get myself to make that vital telephone call when I feel the urge to drink. I was fine whilst the girls were with me but feel like part of my soul is ripped out when they go back. I don't feel like I'll ever get over that.
Disposed of the remaining cans this morning and vowed not to drink tonight - feel that I won't either. Will attempt to get back to a meeting tomorrow, but last time I shared about relapsing again I got a barrage of anger and tough love - I find that almost impossible to deal with so will probably keep quiet this week. I don't understand how people who have been through this and know what it's like can be so angry with me. It feels judgemental and not what AA should be about. I'm delighted that some of the people at my local meetings haven't picked up a drink from their first meeting, but my experience isn't like that - I wish to god that it was.
Disposed of the remaining cans this morning and vowed not to drink tonight - feel that I won't either. Will attempt to get back to a meeting tomorrow, but last time I shared about relapsing again I got a barrage of anger and tough love - I find that almost impossible to deal with so will probably keep quiet this week. I don't understand how people who have been through this and know what it's like can be so angry with me. It feels judgemental and not what AA should be about. I'm delighted that some of the people at my local meetings haven't picked up a drink from their first meeting, but my experience isn't like that - I wish to god that it was.
# posted by tong @ 1:47 PM
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Not! I did not disappear from circulation.Not! I did not give up the contest!This week end I aired myself. I went to see...< = this ! 4 days of expatriation, with the sun, that made me the largest good! I also recommend to you to go yourselves one day to Barcelona. In addition, tomorrow and Sunday, I pass my AFPS (Certificate of Formation to First aid), obligatory for the contest.And since a few days, I cogite.... I am working out my 10 next weeks planning. Indeed, Monday, there will remain 10 weeks complete until the writings.A detailed super planning, including the duties, the joggings, the study of the BO I pass from there and best. And that takes time because I want that it is exhasutif possible.Thus news of my super-planning very soon!
Ah Ben missed more than that...After one day and a week tristounettes of which I drew up you a rather black table this morning, I did not expect that...
This evening, 19h15, I return at home after having been to run (yes, it is necessary to eliminate the plate from chocolate ingurgitée yesterday after midday and the gauffres of yesterday evening). I open my letter-box and there it is not one but two envelopes which await me. Envelopes sent by Cned, of the bubble envelopes "" containing my duties of English and oral examination...Argh, that for a surprise....
I did not have illusions. I rather said myself: "Ah Ben missed more than that..."For proof, I did not open them immediately, these envelopes...I removed my shoes, I connected the PC, I went in the kitchen. I put my carrots to be cooked in the pressure cooker, I put the table. And only after having done all that, I opened.
And I cried.Of joy, relief, happiness.Because I had 16/20 with my first duty oforal examination and 18/20 with my first English duty.Chialer for a note it is idiotic I know. But as well of black thoughts travsersé me the head this week, my job was so depressing, I doubted so much by saying to me as frankly, to have the CRPE of the first blow would raise of the miracle... that these 2 notes are exactly that which I needed.....
Blame me!Today I am not content. Not satisfies with me!This week was lamentable. You will read and you will have 4 good reasons to blame me!1 I did not work enough.I worked Monday evening, but Tuesday, Wednesday and yesterday I had heaps good excuses nothing to make. And that, that me énerrrrrrrrve. I have a small unproductive period this week with regard to the revisions. I have evil with me to put at it. Undoubtedly because in parallel I cross a large unproductive period to work. I wait still and always to have a date for annual maintenance, but as usual nothing occurs.2 I will never have enough time.Eh yes. I have the impression that it remains me too much of things to see, to learn, and that I will be never ready in time. Then yes I know it is irrational bus if, in a flash of clearness, I make the assessment, I realize that I have already quite advanced. But not, I stress. Not.3 I will have been able better to make.Yesterday I received yesterday my note with my French last. And I had 13/20. It is not terrible. The correct one made good job on the other hand, it put many comments, annotations and references to the books of the CNED to enable me to re-examine the specific points where I have gaps. With final I had 14, 13 and 13 with the French duties. Total stagnation. The only positive point, it is that I put each time less time to make these duties. I do not know at all if these notes will enable me to pass the course of admissibility...4 I do not stop eating.Yes then there, it is shame. Or rather, it is bad sign. I eat. How that, all, anything, any time, of the bread, candies, biscuits, hamburgers... and I have terribly bad conscience! And I feel gavée like a goose! I do not manage any more to make mode. However I am followed by a dietetician, and I already lost in all and for all 8 kilos (since August, it is not mirobolant), and it would be necessary that I still lose some, but I arrive there no more.
Here are you know all. It is necessary that I seize again myself.That I stop crying. That I move myself the buttocks. That I put myself a kick in the behind.
Ayé I finished feeling sorry for me! that will be better the next week!
I have shame.They were there. Any loans. Posed on the desk.I had left well however... At once returned from work, I had directly gone to install me in the office, to prepare me psychologically. I had put all the chances on my side. I had started by lighting the PC to read my malls while jettant an eye with my planning and while saying to me "Be this evening, you put yourself at it, you are justified". Once my transport consulted, I had extinguished the computer, opened my case, to prepare some sheets of draft and I had left my 2 books and my cards summary. Here all was ready.At this point in time one sounded. 20h. It was my darling who returned, he was going to be the hour of dinner.And when I returned in the office one hour later... I cracked...I gave my books ofhistory on the rack and I worked another matter!!!Here, I have shame.
The question of the day beforeFirst of all thank you with those which delivered their opinion to me, by mall or interposed comment. Thanks to you I could well reflect and weigh for and it against.
In addition, by funny of chance, I received yesterday a mall announcing to me that I was going to have an annual talk. Waouh! In fact it is a good news and that falls at named point. I never had talk with anyone since my arrival in the box. This maintenance thus will allow me:1: to empty my bag. And I have things of them to say. On the not-communication, the environment of work primarily. I despite everything will try to find points positive, but I think that I will be frank as for the fall of motivation that these working conditions.2: to take the temperature.I want to say by there that considering what I will say during this maintenance, I will see well how my interlocutor (I do not know yet who, RH? Chairman? Project leader?) reacts.
Though it is, I decided for the moment anything to say concerning the contest, in any case not with annual maintenance, it is too early, but they will be at least informed difficulties which I encounter with the daily newspaper. On the other hand so happily I am acceptable, then once more I will choose to be honest towards my nice owner and I will speak to him about it. Finally if I do not have the contest there....... it is another question! Monday evening, of return of my first day of job after the training course, I cried only with the idea to have to go back the following day there.
Ah Ben missed more than that...After one day and a week tristounettes of which I drew up you a rather black table this morning, I did not expect that...
This evening, 19h15, I return at home after having been to run (yes, it is necessary to eliminate the plate from chocolate ingurgitée yesterday after midday and the gauffres of yesterday evening). I open my letter-box and there it is not one but two envelopes which await me. Envelopes sent by Cned, of the bubble envelopes "" containing my duties of English and oral examination...Argh, that for a surprise....
I did not have illusions. I rather said myself: "Ah Ben missed more than that..."For proof, I did not open them immediately, these envelopes...I removed my shoes, I connected the PC, I went in the kitchen. I put my carrots to be cooked in the pressure cooker, I put the table. And only after having done all that, I opened.
And I cried.Of joy, relief, happiness.Because I had 16/20 with my first duty oforal examination and 18/20 with my first English duty.Chialer for a note it is idiotic I know. But as well of black thoughts travsersé me the head this week, my job was so depressing, I doubted so much by saying to me as frankly, to have the CRPE of the first blow would raise of the miracle... that these 2 notes are exactly that which I needed.....
Blame me!Today I am not content. Not satisfies with me!This week was lamentable. You will read and you will have 4 good reasons to blame me!1 I did not work enough.I worked Monday evening, but Tuesday, Wednesday and yesterday I had heaps good excuses nothing to make. And that, that me énerrrrrrrrve. I have a small unproductive period this week with regard to the revisions. I have evil with me to put at it. Undoubtedly because in parallel I cross a large unproductive period to work. I wait still and always to have a date for annual maintenance, but as usual nothing occurs.2 I will never have enough time.Eh yes. I have the impression that it remains me too much of things to see, to learn, and that I will be never ready in time. Then yes I know it is irrational bus if, in a flash of clearness, I make the assessment, I realize that I have already quite advanced. But not, I stress. Not.3 I will have been able better to make.Yesterday I received yesterday my note with my French last. And I had 13/20. It is not terrible. The correct one made good job on the other hand, it put many comments, annotations and references to the books of the CNED to enable me to re-examine the specific points where I have gaps. With final I had 14, 13 and 13 with the French duties. Total stagnation. The only positive point, it is that I put each time less time to make these duties. I do not know at all if these notes will enable me to pass the course of admissibility...4 I do not stop eating.Yes then there, it is shame. Or rather, it is bad sign. I eat. How that, all, anything, any time, of the bread, candies, biscuits, hamburgers... and I have terribly bad conscience! And I feel gavée like a goose! I do not manage any more to make mode. However I am followed by a dietetician, and I already lost in all and for all 8 kilos (since August, it is not mirobolant), and it would be necessary that I still lose some, but I arrive there no more.
Here are you know all. It is necessary that I seize again myself.That I stop crying. That I move myself the buttocks. That I put myself a kick in the behind.
Ayé I finished feeling sorry for me! that will be better the next week!
I have shame.They were there. Any loans. Posed on the desk.I had left well however... At once returned from work, I had directly gone to install me in the office, to prepare me psychologically. I had put all the chances on my side. I had started by lighting the PC to read my malls while jettant an eye with my planning and while saying to me "Be this evening, you put yourself at it, you are justified". Once my transport consulted, I had extinguished the computer, opened my case, to prepare some sheets of draft and I had left my 2 books and my cards summary. Here all was ready.At this point in time one sounded. 20h. It was my darling who returned, he was going to be the hour of dinner.And when I returned in the office one hour later... I cracked...I gave my books ofhistory on the rack and I worked another matter!!!Here, I have shame.
The question of the day beforeFirst of all thank you with those which delivered their opinion to me, by mall or interposed comment. Thanks to you I could well reflect and weigh for and it against.
In addition, by funny of chance, I received yesterday a mall announcing to me that I was going to have an annual talk. Waouh! In fact it is a good news and that falls at named point. I never had talk with anyone since my arrival in the box. This maintenance thus will allow me:1: to empty my bag. And I have things of them to say. On the not-communication, the environment of work primarily. I despite everything will try to find points positive, but I think that I will be frank as for the fall of motivation that these working conditions.2: to take the temperature.I want to say by there that considering what I will say during this maintenance, I will see well how my interlocutor (I do not know yet who, RH? Chairman? Project leader?) reacts.
Though it is, I decided for the moment anything to say concerning the contest, in any case not with annual maintenance, it is too early, but they will be at least informed difficulties which I encounter with the daily newspaper. On the other hand so happily I am acceptable, then once more I will choose to be honest towards my nice owner and I will speak to him about it. Finally if I do not have the contest there....... it is another question! Monday evening, of return of my first day of job after the training course, I cried only with the idea to have to go back the following day there.
# posted by tong @ 7:50 PM
Monday, April 03, 2006
Look at your silly thing, see your injustice ! You rejected the law and justice in the name of love and pity, and your world became absurd, because it lost order and you more knew to control it.
And you said that alliance with me to live in peace and abundance on this ground was diabolic thing.
is why you imagined this stupid tale of pact with the devil, as if one could make a right alliance with the fraud, injustice and the mischievousness ! How if abundance obtained only by the flight, the crime, and the false evidence !
How if I had not said that " the ground is with me " and that consequently all the terrestrial goods are with me also, and that it has there that me to grant them !
And you thought that were a senile old man in top of the clouds, crying without stop over your fate, and that the fort on this ground was unjust.
You entirely forgot your past, the fact that I am Eternel of the Armies, as all the promises which made in Abraham, Jacob, Moise, and Jesus.
I thus advise you to be sold your heart, because there is that me which am powerful, and I am Unique. And I will give you in exchange of happiness on ground as with the sky, bus that happiness if not union of the sky and the ground ?
That which will sell its heart to me will be in safety, because I take care on what is with me as on the pupil of my eyes, and I hold all my pacts, because I am a faithful god, in the reward as in the punishment.
But to sell your heart to me, it would be necessary access that you repurchase it with that which holds you in slavery, by entirely paying him your debts.
And where will find you what to pay him, you who are so poor that Judas would pass for very rich beside you ? Seek a rich person who could lend what to you to free himself !
And you said that alliance with me to live in peace and abundance on this ground was diabolic thing.
is why you imagined this stupid tale of pact with the devil, as if one could make a right alliance with the fraud, injustice and the mischievousness ! How if abundance obtained only by the flight, the crime, and the false evidence !
How if I had not said that " the ground is with me " and that consequently all the terrestrial goods are with me also, and that it has there that me to grant them !
And you thought that were a senile old man in top of the clouds, crying without stop over your fate, and that the fort on this ground was unjust.
You entirely forgot your past, the fact that I am Eternel of the Armies, as all the promises which made in Abraham, Jacob, Moise, and Jesus.
I thus advise you to be sold your heart, because there is that me which am powerful, and I am Unique. And I will give you in exchange of happiness on ground as with the sky, bus that happiness if not union of the sky and the ground ?
That which will sell its heart to me will be in safety, because I take care on what is with me as on the pupil of my eyes, and I hold all my pacts, because I am a faithful god, in the reward as in the punishment.
But to sell your heart to me, it would be necessary access that you repurchase it with that which holds you in slavery, by entirely paying him your debts.
And where will find you what to pay him, you who are so poor that Judas would pass for very rich beside you ? Seek a rich person who could lend what to you to free himself !
# posted by tong @ 2:38 PM
Monday, February 13, 2006
Extreme BadmintonOn Sunday we had a big family cookout... Memorial Day festivities, if you will. That morning, my boyfriend Dave and I decided to head out to Wal*Mart to get a badminton set, as we discovered that the one we had in the basement was broken. The new one was only $12, and came with volleyball and horseshoes as well. Clearly, a steal.It proved tons of fun, let me tell you. And that's not sarcasm either-- I love badminton now. It is so going to be my new sport. But if I play with my cousin Emily again--who was given the nickname "Kid Vicious" on Sunday due to her spiking skills (spiking at people, not the ground)-- I will need some protective eyewear. Did you know that there is actually proof that there is a "risk of blunt eye trauma" in badminton?It's a good thing I was wearing sunglasses. And that I'm at least half-coordinated. Sort of.
# posted by tong @ 4:20 PM
